Ash Wednesday, FEB. 17, 2010.
Ps. 41: Happy are those who care for the poor.
I was thinking on this one, because my perception is that many of the poor have really bad life habits and deserve what they are enduring. Or maybe it is their karma from a previous life. I am not wishing anyone ill, but I am not very pleased to share my resources with “the poor” either.
My Bolivian student gets a monthly allotment. The non-profit wants more, of course, and a dip into my auto-pay checking account, which I am not willing to do. I want to know when I am giving something, at least. Children of problem adults deserve a boost somehow, in education, health care, and basic necessities. I am not for trips to Disneyland or other treats that suck them into consumerism, any more than I was for my own kids living that way.
I do feel guilty for not doing more for the poor. I will watch for an opportunity to give today, personally.
I ate part of a chocolate bar, an ice cream bar, and a serving of vanilla pudding. So much for self-denial!
Friday, Feb. 19, 2010.
Ps. 43. Send forth your light and your fidelity.
I sat in meditation early this morning and tried to just “be there”, though my mind wandered constantly to my house guests, to my niece Tiffany and her family, to Ben. I meant to hold Tiffany, Anne and Susan in light in my thoughts, which I think are prayers. I hope that the light travels straight to them, for healing of the heart and mind. Outside the day is gorgeous, with sunshine and warmer air, early blooms on heather, rhodies, daphne. Birds singing. I refilled all the feeders yesterday.
Saturday, Feb. 20, 2010.
Ps. 44: Awake! Why do you sleep, O Lord? Show us your face.
I made up a birthday card for Fr. Don, with a picture of a rider in the woods not seeing the faces all around him. Personally, I see God watching us benevolently, everywhere, especially from INSIDE me. We are comfortable together. He is tolerant beyond words, into the silence. I am going to Jackie Madlem’s memorial service, because I am a witness to Fr. Don’s life, and she was important to him.
First Sunday of Lent, Feb. 21, 2010.
Ps. 45. Beautiful words from a skilful writer.
This morning I wrote an analysis of Tiffany’s situation, seeing it in layers, program laid over program in her mind, till she is paralyzed. I still pray for her to CHOOSE life for herself, regardless of those pressuring her all around.
Monday. Ps. 46: God is…an ever present help in distress.
Counting on that!
Tuesday. Ps. 47: All you peoples, clap your hands. Shout to God with cries of gladness.
The whole psalm goes on like that. God seems so invisible to us, so irresponsible when so much does NOT make us happy. It’s hard to do this celebrating God just being there without tangible conditions. When people thank God in the midst of their troubles, is that really faith? Or Pollyanna pie in the sky? I personally feel very confident in the constant benevolence of God, but it doesn’t make me jump up and down for joy, that’s for sure!
God has often spoken to me (in my heart) to reassure me, to give me some perspective I need, so here’s a good place for that. Right now! Are you listening, Wonder Counsellor?
You know I am. Emotional highs and lows are not the point, are they? Constant confidence you spoke of is better, at least for you, isn’t it?
Makes me smile now.
Wednesday: Ps. 48: His holy mountain…is the joy of all the earth.
If His mountain is as beautiful as Mt. Hood, I would agree. It looks so pristine, so wonderful, from here, sometimes hidden behind the trees, but then when we travel across the valley from the west, it dominates from afar. When we drive north or south on Hwy 97 east beyond the mountain, we see it from that side. Always there is snow at the top. We keep travelling east and seeing it ahead. It is the mark of “home” for us, when we see it from the airplane window. Mt. Hood dominates our landscape. It is the joy of Oregonians. We are so proud of it! No one can fail to notice it, yet we are constantly pointing it out. “Look, there’s Mt. Hood!” as if it had gone walkabout and come back to surprise us. The sun rises directly over it at the Spring and Fall Equinox, in the view from my home. I long to see that sunrise every day, and hope the clouds will part just long enough, or at least leave a gap below them.
Thus perhaps God’s mountain can dominate life below Him like that.
4 a.m. Meditation Vision: Life can be seen in terms of energy as a flow, like a stream. My energy flows along, bouncing a little at times, but generally in with the swift main stream of movement. My children and grandchildren bounce along with me, in front or behind or above. Evalyn, Jeannie, and others are there too. The sun shines brightly above the stream. Along the bottom and at the edges the flow is slower. The sun doesn’t penetrate much, so it is darker, and warm, sluggish. This is where John and his family move, taking up particles of mud and debris, circling back sometimes. They don’t really want me to come there and disturb their peaceful pace, and I find it choking to go there much, not more than a trailing finger. I cannot join them.,
I need to withdraw my energy connection to them, not totally separate, but not dragged down either from the air and light that travels with me usually. It’s really bad feng shui to be around them, unfocused and confusing, chaotic in a deadly but not creative way. My offers to help ready the house, or take care of Tiffany, simply do not fit their energy flow at all. It probably overwhelms them, shakes them up too much, stirs the “mud” that they live in.
I am a Kali, trailing flames. I burn them. This is my reality. I can observe and help if asked, but I cannot live there. I cannot even breathe deeply in their presence. I live near the mountain, while they are at the bottom edges of a still lake. God bless them all!
Thursday. Ps. 49: No one can pay his own ransom to God. Wise and foolish alike will die.
Sometimes I am so taken with my own “wisdom” ! Lord, preserve me.
Friday. Ps. 50: God summoned the earth…from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Yet you sit speaking against your brother…Shall I be deaf to it?
The first of these is comforting and I like that thought. But the gist of the psalm has more to do with living rightly among all others. Everyone is my brother, but right now my own blood brother sits heavily in my thoughts, as he seems blinded in his view of life. Yet he may be right to do as he does. How am I to know?
Saturday. Ps. 51. In my inmost being you teach me wisdom.
I just have to listen more carefully.
In the night my Wisdom says to tell Ben the truth: about being a gambling addict, about not taking care of himself as well as he could. I have a but sore to remind me!
Sunday, 2nd Sunday of Lent: Ps. 52: I will trust in the kindness of God and proclaim his name forever. Amen.
I spent quite some time reviewing a book of Islamic artwork, looking for their images of God. Mostly I saw designs, very beautiful, covering every wall, fountain and courtyard. The mosques are graceful spires to the sky. I looked up Twitter and Linkdin and don’t think I need either of those programs. I bought a book about Canon Powershot cameras, as I have three of those!
Monday. Ps. 53. Fools say to themselves, “There is no God.”
This evening a comedian on TV was mocking religious people, distorting God entirely, betraying a very limited understanding of non-material reality. Many people were laughing and applauding. Unfortunately the “religious right” has become laughable at times, at the other extreme. More respect is needed on all sides.
I am reading the manual for a commercial driver’s license, two different books on photography trying to learn how to use my cameras better, and Beyond Belief: Modern Art and the Religious Imagination. These are all tied together in my search for spiritual expression. I still am proud of my photograph of Jesus in the New Millennium.
Tuesday. Ps. 54. May God use their own evil to punish (my) enemies.
The consequences of evil doing are tied to the doer. I don’t even have to wish this, but stand around and observe. Still, it’s a terrible thing to even watch for, a bad attitude on my part, when I ought to forgive instead. Last night I spent almost three hours rehearsing the financial wrongs done to me by my husband, as if each was a personal slap in the face. I plotted to leave this life. I may yet have to do it, not to punish him exactly but to save myself from self-pity, anger and resentment, when I could spend the rest of my life doing something else. Ah well. Resting in that today, intending forgiveness, again, for my own sake.
Wednesday. Ps. 55. I am worn out by my worries…I would fly away.
You can’t get away from earthquakes, storms, or financial ruin really. Flying away is a dream. I have to stay right here, just as those involved in earthquakes must endure the chaos that follows. So, I pray for endurance and perspective on chaos. Fr. Mackin said, “One fixed point of reference brings order to chaos.” May I always see that fixed point.
Thursday. Ps. 56. You know how troubled I am. Aren’t my tears listed in your book?
Neil died this afternoon, March 4, 2010. I didn’t know him at all, except through Jeannie, who kept him company this past year since he was diagnosed with lung cancer. I am glad the end days didn’t last too long, for her sake. God knew his troubles and tears. May his family and friends be comforted. May he know the purpose of his life and have fulfilled it. May he rest in peace.
Friday. Ps. 57. Show your greatness in the sky, O God!
Looks good out today! Great sunrise! Lots of flowers are on the trees and rows and rows of flowering plants at Home Depot, where I took pictures. All day we had blue skies.
Saturday. Ps. 58. There is indeed a God who judges the world.
I will sleep on this blood-drenched psalm. Much as I believe in total justice, I hope I am never glad to see anyone smashed as is suggested here. Every person is followed by the natural consequences of his/her actions and thoughts, if not in this life, then in another.
Third Sunday of Lent. Ps. 59. You have been a refuge for me.
This is another one calling on the Old Testament God to scourge the enemy. No wonder “Christians” get focused on “just” war, as if that is possible, or think God is on their “side”! Jesus took us beyond that kind of thinking.
As a woman my concerns are smaller and more detailed, having to do with food, shelter, and clothing for my family and others I care about and for. My life is about birth and death, growing relationships or ripping them out. It is about compassion. In all those matters God is my refuge, my counsellor, my companion, also. This day I spent with three friends studying on issues related to dying and death, comforting one another with laughter and prayers and eventually in sorrow when one or another of us passes away.
Monday. Ps. 60. You have made the land tremble. You have cut it open. Human help is worthless.
Earthquakes in Haiti, in Chile, and in Turkey and Iran and China, surely God does make the land tremble! Tsunamis, storms, tornados. It has ever been so, part of the earth’s own recycling system, so it will be cleansed and remade.
I get shook up sometimes too, and have to move the furniture of my mind and heart, if not in the house. Everything must remain flexible, or it will be destroyed. Fr. Mackin said order can be made from chaos with one fixed point. That fixed point would be confidence in the ultimate benevolence of the Creator.
Tuesday. Ps. 61. Oh, that I might lodge in your house forever!
I am there! I just need to keep looking around and seeing it for what it is!
It snowed this morning before sunrise. Frosting on the blowers, buds, and new leaves.
Wednesday. Ps. 62. Depend on God alone. Tell him all your troubles.
I have prayed the whole alphabet tonight and I am still awake, not worried, just wakeful.
Thursday. Ps. 63. My soul will feast and be satisfied (knowing You).
I slept the whole night through last night! Maybe my soul was satisfied. Lorian talked for an hour on her near death experience and what she now knows of Reality. It was a very unprofessional writer’s meeting, but very interesting all the same.
Today we are to expect rain all day, and that’s the way it looks too.
Friday. Ps. 64. (Evil people) aim cruel words like arrows…encouraging each other.
That is the way it seems on TV these days. I did it to my husband last night. But if I had been more forceful years ago, I would be in different place today altogether. Sometimes I just want a different life than this one. It wouldn’t be better, just different.
Saturday. Ps. 65. This is how you do it (take care of everything and provide for all). Our faults defeat us.
I think my best qualities defeat me, and God’s best work defeats him. Then people don’t worry, shift responsibility away from themselves, just as my husband does. Surely everything will turn out all right, won’t it, they say. No wonder God lets us fall occasionally, just so we will remember that we aren’t really in control.
Sunday, The Fourth Sunday of Lent, 2010. Ps. 66. I praise God because he did not keep back her constant love from me.
Orbs and the wisdom shared with me in my life were clear to me this morning. So I published it on www.womenbefriends.blogspot.com.
Monday. Ps. 67. May all people everywhere honor God.
However they conceive of the Creator, Ground of Being, Universe, Mother Nature, etc. is all right with me. Joseph Campbell brought me a long way, and Lorian pushed me further last week. I know what I know and can’t un-know it now.
Tuesday. Ps. 68. As smoke is blown away, so He drives off his enemies.
How could God have enemies when he created all? Certainly we are all blown away like smoke. This very long psalm lauds God and expects God to protect all the weak. In what sense does God protect the weak and blow everyone else away? Are some “good” and others “bad” in God’s perspective? If survival is primary and compassion is a follow-up… but if showing compassion is really our primary goal, then we must choose other than self-centeredness. Then God would care for them, who appear “weak”. Right? Then inappropriate self-centeredness would be the mark of God’s “enemies.”
God IS love in the concrete material sense. Enemies are the absence of love. Which is “sin” also, against the will of God, the Being of God. Which takes genuine freedom of will.
Wednesday. Ps. 69. He will save Jerusalem, and rebuild the towns of Judah.
This is exactly why Israel keeps making settlements further out, because it is confident that “God is on their side.” The God I know is not exactly on anyone’s side.
Thursday. Ps. 70. Save me, Lord! Help me now!
“Many who say Lord, Lord, will be disappointed. He will say, I do not know you.”
Friday. Ps. 71. You have taught me ever since I was young. Now that I am old and my hair is grey, do not abandon me, O God!
More important, may I be every more conscious of your presence, in and through everything and everyone.
Saturday. Ps. 72. Teach the king (and me) to judge with your righteousness, O God.
May I have the Lord’s perspective on all things.
The Fifth Sunday of Lent, Passion Sunday. Ps. 73. When my thoughts were bitter, and my feelings were hurt, I did not understand you.
Sometimes it is hard not to take circumstances personally. It is hard to remember to stay focused on our response, rather than what is happening from without.
Monday. Ps. 74. No one knows how long (this destruction) will last.
Every generation endures what seems unfair, unendurable, like a personal punishment. It is our own self-centeredness that makes us think God is only for us and should be against everyone else. We must put away the attitudes of a selfish child.
Tuesday. Ps. 75. Judgment does not come from the east or the west, from the north or the south. It comes from God.
I think judgement comes from within. There is total and complete justice in the Universe because everything is known and communicated throughout. Just as the body knows of a splinter in the finger, so all is known and accounted for. Therefore keep a clean heart and mind!
Wednesday. Ps. 76. God makes men fear him.
If fear is what works, I suppose God must start with that. Fear is a low level reason for cooperation and understanding. But I hope all people come to a better relationship with the Universe, or the Divine, or the All, however they name That Which Is. Unfortunately there are many unscrupulous men who use fear to control others, especially fear of the unknown, whether Jewish, Christian, Moslem, or other. When people know God does not personally punish them, those who have a greed for power feel undone and angry, so they shout all the louder that God hates some and loves others, including themselves. Unfortunately the God of the Jewish/Christina scriptures is very controlling and angry, prone to violence. In India and Asia “God” is given attributes of violence and peace making, a more balanced perspective. Whether something is good or bad depends on the viewer’s perspective.
Thursday. Ps. 77. Feast of the Annunciation also. I spend the night in deep thought; I meditate.
The psalm goes on whining about miseries in life. The feast day celebrates saying “Yes” to whatever life brings to us. I have said yes to lots in life, and sometimes whine and say no. Yes to marriage and children and others who have come into my life and remain there. Yes in many small ways. No to distractions and noise. Whining about the very same things!
Friday. Ps. 78. (After all their troubles), David took care of them with unselfish devotion, and led them with skill.
I like to be like David, taking care of my own people and our guests.
Saturday. Ps. 79. Prayer for the Nations’ Deliverance.
May all peoples have the Creator’s perspective. We all appreciate life. May we all recognize that we are One.
Palm Sunday, Sixth Sunday of Lent. Ps. 80. Bring us back, and we will be saved.
Back from what? Back from shallow living, unconsciousness. Back from individuality to the extreme, so that we know truly how we are At One with All.
Monday. Ps. 81. Start the music when the moon is full.
Today is Alex’ 9th birthday, so we had music and sang and ate cake. His other grandmother and aunt and cousins were there with us, Ji and Jenny. Annalise played the piano after Alex showed what he could do.
Tuesday. Ps. 82. God presides in the heavenly council.
It is a comfort to know that I am connected to that council also, that intuitively I know so much out here at the ‘edge’ of reality.
Wednesday. Ps. 83. O God, do not be quiet!
I am listening to my heart, where you will speak, please.
Thursday. Ps. 84. With my whole being I sing for joy to the living God.
I was joyful anyway, with the prospect of a job and other activities that I enjoy doing so much. The girls cooked dinner and laughed with Ben. A terrible storm is predicted, but now all is calm.
Good Friday. April 2, 2010. Ps. 85 He promises peace to us, if we do not go back to our foolish ways.
I feel stuck with the ways I have now, foolish or not, and how can I know until I see the consequences, perhaps not for years?
Holy Saturday. Ps. 86. I serve you, just as my mother did.
This strikes me hard. My mother went through her prayer routine every day, but seemed very judgmental and closed minded about so many people. Yet we are alike in being dutiful, consistently providing food and home life comforts, of which many are unaware. She was selfless in that regard. I know she did the best she could with what she had to work with in terms of abilities, skills, intelligence, information, and experience. The church was her social milieu. She gave many thousands of hours of service to the Red Cross and the Hospital Thrift Shop.
I know I am being prideful and self-important thinking I surpassed her in some ways. I want to honor her. I did not “love” her emotionally. I felt like I was HER mother, most of my life. I had to be careful not to offend, or cross lines, and I think she thought I was too strong. Evalyn feels like my mother, emotionally connected, strong and independent. I will reflect on why this is.
Maybe these are both my “mothers”, teaching me service and self-dependence.
Easter Sunday, April 4, 2010. Ps. 87. They dance and sing. In Zion is the source of all our blessings.
Among the non-Christians of my household there is confidence in life after life, but not in the Jews, I think.
